Today was an odd day....
Generally when i get even with my other side....
he never retaliates...
i got upset with him for something he did...
and squirted shaving cream at him while he was in the shower...
and i was sitting in the chair trying to get the darn vundo virus off the laptop and
he came in and i watched him walk in with his towel in his hand and everything swinging out
and i didnt notice he had the shaving cream can and he squirted me back with it good....
all i could do was laugh... i wasnt even mad....
i even took some off me and rubbed it back on him and at that moment i was happy...
it felt as though we were actually playing even though it was an act of revenge....
and then it stopped...
and then i was alone again...
but i had that happy moment....
even if it was derived from revenge...
it made me want to hug and kiss him and tell him i love him....
even if he doesnt feel the same.

My thoughts today are so uncollected.... it seems as if every time i try to focus on one particular thought the rest gang up on me and this frusterates me to the highest bounds and limitations that i know....
it is hard for me to express how i feel and do so in a private manner because even with privacy i still cant concentrate...
all i know is i have the need to vent ...
to spill out words even if incomprehensible  until somehow  i receive some kind of relief that i dont get lately....
i try to gather my words but my mind doesnt stay still long enough and i have so much time missed with my poetry and writings...
the things that bring me peace and contentment and for some reason i just cant give into myself to force myself to do my writings anymore...
i went to mass today... and i listened as the priest asked us to do two things for him this week.... one of course was to do our biddings as being good christians and show it in our deeds but the other it seemed as if he was asking alot of me...
sitting in the pew i was watching a little girl that could have been no older than a month or two...
but the father was kissing her and she would just smile so bright and her blue eyes just shined....
and tears formed before i could stop them... i choked them back and did not let them fall but the sight of this .... it hurt...
instead of bringing me joy it hurt me... i was envious of the man for having such a precious gift...
and i was wrong in the way i was thinking...
and then about that time the priest told us we needed to reach out the people we love and ask for forgiveness...
and my thought was if i cant even keep a straight unforbidding thought about a father and a daughter how can i go to the man that
i am with and ask for forgiveness when i have offered him so much and recieved so little...
and its hard .... and i struggle with my inner demons on a daily basis....
and his perusings are only a tempt to carouse me into futher anger  that i just cant seem to walk away from lately no matter how hard i try....
what do you have left when faith and hope and integrity are all gone?
will  has no longer had  a place in it...
there is no sacred bounds to stand between what is going wrong....
and there is no atonement on either end for what each have done wrong....
and i know i have done wrong... i understand and accept and it brings me pain to see myself behave in such a fashion but for some reason it happens before
i can stop it and then i get this feeling in my gut as to "WHY AM I BEHAVING THIS WAY?" and i know why but i cant ever form it into a sensible answer
that anyone else can comprehend other than my own heart....
the burden of no friends weighs heavy these days...
and the one i lay with i am not friends with... there is not even a mutual kindness between us anymore...
sometimes i feel like venting in here is my only way of release for i have no heart beat or shoulder to go and cry to and tell me to stop
that my behaviour is unacceptable even if it was the other persons fault...
even now trying to write in my blog i get no privacy .... he sits in the floor and watches everything that i spill onto the screen with an undevoted interest that will
later be used against me with a saying of "well why did you not try to talk to me ?" therefore starting the fight all over again....
and its hurts and im tired of crying... my voice should not exist for the pains i have taken in tryin to talk be that i am right or wrong....
so when i think back to what the priest asked me....
HOW CAN I ASK FOR FORGIVENESS WHEN I ALREADY KNOW THE OUTCOME?
when it has been the same... in every instance of my life....
every instance....
i envy everything these days....
i envy going to walmart and watching a couple hold hands
or see him look at her and smile...
or to see two friends immersed in a conversation so deep that nothing else exists around them...
i miss existing...
and i think that is what i envy the most...
i miss someone letting me exist in thier life and give me kindness and love with out me having to beg or blackmail for it...
for in that instance it no longer becomes love...
it become a chore...
and thats what i have become...
a chore.

there is a song that is rambling thru my head...  i dont know all the words or even who sings it...
"pain with out love... pain cant get enough... pain without love... cause id rather feel pain than nothing at all..."
and the songs right... some where we have to hold on to some kind of emotion or we loose all emotion...
i guess cause pain is all i feel lately...

Is there a purpose for your existance when your existance was never meant?
Is there a plan or a destiny for everyone out there or only the blessed few?
Is there greatness in everyone or only greatness in those who are strong enough?
Is there ever a point where you endure so much pain it becomes your pleasure?
if so... how do you know what your existance is for?
and if you have a planned destiny why is it filled with so much pain?
and if you were meant for greatness why is it you get left behind when youve gave everything?
and when pain becomes your pleasure because you have forgotten what it is like to be happy ....
does that mean you have no heart anymore?
Can one really have the desire to be loved so bad that they bring the pain to themselfs?
if so when do they acknowledge it and make it stop?
how do you make the bad go away... and just be happy?

With my heart i have failed.
With my mind i have failed.
With my love i have failed.
With my faith i have failed.
With my life.... i have failed.....
I look around me at all that should be bountiful to me and see that i have only a few blessings to behold for my life....
One is my oldest son... beautiful and brave and yet so emotional and heartfelt that he is in pain so much of the time because he bears my need to just belong and to be loved by someone... and even though i have tried a mothers love will never cure that void that he was cursed with.
Second is my youngest son.... bright and strong.... no matter how the wind howls he is the mountain that will never bow to it because he follows his logic and not his heart and does not concede his thoughts to the emotional weights of matters.....
Third is the blessing of the teachings my grandmother bestowed on me that i realized to little to late of their importance....
In my lifetime i have never felt the true love of a man from a mans heart.....
nor did i bother to save the knowledge of how life really works when everyone around was trying to tell me....
in my stubbornness i stood alone thinking i had to face the world alone and now it seems as if i will stay alone ....
even in the presence of others...
i look at the past, present, and the dwindlings of my future and face them with fear...
everything i have tried to escape from has stolen everything i built to prove i was above my past....
in every way that i have tried to be better .... something has reminded me that in another aspect i have failed....
and every door i have ever shut i managed to slam the window too leaving myself caught in my own devices....
my own failures... my own mistakes that i have tried so hard to recover from and never could...
where do you go when you have no where else to go or even no friends to call sister and say "i need help" ?
i should have deep seeded friends by now... confidants... comraderes ... but... i have none...
i should be in the arms of love that provide me with a safety that only their love can offer... again... i am alone...
my heart shouldnt ache in pain for the fact i have loved.....
and who ever said it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all is full of themselves because they must have never
really known love... because to have known love and then to be without love is to be without life...
my boys are at ages that they are almost their own.... all the pearls of wisdom that i have to offer them .. i have given....
i cant teach them to be men... im not even sure i have taught them the basics of humility and love....
my heart craved a daughter... a girl that i could guide to be better than me... i always thought that if i could have the girl then i could teach her to be a better woman than me therefore breaking this abominable cycle ....
the cycle of pain and of failure...
she would be the hope...
the future of a better beginning...
but i failed there too....
where do i go from here?

nowhere else do i have the ability to be me
other than venting myself to my blog
because it cant talk back or even see
to argue with me when i share my pain
i have nothing now for i gave it all away
trying to make a life for the better
built with tears that seem to stay
and there seems to be no end to this pain
i took the road less traveled and my journeys been hard
and i feel lost and alone and im in pain
even though its heavy my baggage i cant discard
and my burdens weigh me down
until i die...
even though im already dead.